Say D’Oh! Massa Kissed.

Massa with HoseFinally, a gay democrat scandal. It’s been so long since Barney Frank’s boyfriend’s home business that I though it might never happen again. After all, it’s not exactly a scandal to be a gay democrat. But it has happened, and it’s a good one. Of course, I’m talking about the (until recently) Rep. Eric Massa (D-NY). Let’s build a timeline:

  • 1981-2005: Massa serves in the U.S. Navy
  • 9/16/2009: Massa’s 50th birthday. He has a ‘tickle fight’ and dog-pile with four male aides.
  • 2/8/2010: A senior member of Massa’s staff files a complaint of sexual misconduct.
  • 3/3/2010: Massa announces that his cancer has returned, and that he will not seek re-election.
  • 3/5/2010: Massa announces his resignation, as of 5pm 3/8/2010
  • 3/7/2010: Massa blames Rahm Emanuel for his problems. To quote:

“They will stop at nothing to pass this health care bill, and now they’ve gotten rid of me, and it will pass. You connect the dots. You ask the question… Why is it, from February 8 until now, no one said a word to me about anything!”

  • 3/8/2010: Massa appears on Rush Limbaugh’s radio program:

“Rahm Emanuel is son of the devil’s spawn. He is an individual who would sell his mother to get a vote; he would strap his children to the front end of a steam locomotive. And if he doesn’t like that he can come after me personally because — let me tell you a story about Rahm Emanuel. I was in the congressional gym, and I went into the showers which, by the way, I for the life of me can’t figure out why they took all the shower curtains off the shower stalls in the congressional shower. The last thing I want to look at is my fellow colleagues naked, but they don’t have shower curtains down in the gym, and I’m sitting there showering naked as a jaybird and here comes Rahm Emanuel not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest yelling at me because I wasn’t going to vote for the president’s budget. Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man? … What the heck is he doing in the congressional gym? He goes there to intimidate members of Congress. We had words and he hates my guts. He’s hated me since day one and now he wins. So he’ll get rid of me and this bill will pass, and I don’t know what we’re going to do in this country.”

“We’re going to ram this down the throats of the American people and anyone who stands in the way of doing that is going to be smeared.”

  • 3/9/2010: Massa appears on a much-hyped episode of Glenn Beck and utterly disappoints. He reiterates his story about the nude encounter with Emanuel, but won’t dish on democrat corruption. He admits living in a townhouse with all his bachelor male staffers until he was informed that it was not ‘congressional’.
  • 3/9/2010: Massa appears on Larry King. When asked if he is gay, he responds:

“Well, here’s that answer: I’m not going to answer that. In — in the year 2010? Why don’t you ask my wife, ask my friends, ask the 10,000 sailors I served with in the Navy.”

Then Massa stops making public appearances. But don’t worry, someone did go out and talk to some of the 10,000 soldiers he served with in the Navy. And they had a lot of stories.  Here’s what Peter Clarke says that he was told by one of Massa’s victims:

“Stuart’s at the edge of the bed and [Massa] starts massaging him. Massa said, ‘You’ll have to get one of my special massages.’ He called them ‘Massa Massages.'”

From this same victim:

“In 1990, aboard the U.S.S. Jouett, I was awakened when a senior officer, Lt. Commander Massa, seemed to be groping me. (I was a lieutenant at the time.) I believe he may have been drinking. I shouted at him and he left. I mentioned the incident to several other officers. I did not officially report it.”

From a different victim, as also related by Peter Clarke:

“Tom lived on upper bunk. When you’re on ship, you’re almost exhausted 24-7. So a lot of times you sleep with your uniform on. Tom and Massa shared a stateroom together. Massa climbed up on the top of his bunk, which is hard to do–you never crawl up on somebody else’s bunk. He wakes up to Massa undoing his pants trying to snorkel him.”

Now, I want to be clear. I’m not saying that it’s bad to be gay. I’m not saying that gay people shouldn’t be in politics. What I am saying is that it’s wonderful that there’s finally some balance in the system. And that I’m not sure I can snorkel anymore on vacation.

Why would you even ask that question in this day and age?Why would you even ask that question in this day and age?

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